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Good one, but I'll reprint your earlier one which still amuses me

A Newfie's wife died and he called 911.
The 911 operator said they would send someone right away and asked where he lived.
"On Eucalyptus Drive" replied the Newfie. "Can you spell that?" asked the operator.
After a long pause, the Newfie said "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak St., and you pick her up there".

Hey! You're stealing my material. :)
 

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Magoo, I was careful to give you credit, but this one isn't yours

Two out-of-work Newfies go to the Unemployment Office and are interviewed. Paddy tells the clerk he is a Panty Stitcher. He sews the elastic onto women's panties and thongs. This is classed as Unskilled Labour, so Paddy gets $80 per week. Mick tells the clerk he is a Diesel Fitter and since that is classed as Skilled Labour, he gets $160 per week.
Paddy is furious and demands to know why Mick is collecting double. The clerk tries to explain the difference between Skilled and Unskilled.
Paddy isn't convinced, and insists that Mick works with him.
"I sew in the elastic, and then he pulls the panties and thongs over his head and says "Yep, diesel fitter".
 

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WTF???
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15,968 Posts
I've heard there is a law in Sweden that if it is raining you have to turn on your headlights.

How the hell am I supposed to know if it is raining in Sweden?
 

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Administrator
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12,919 Posts
Clothing Car Tire Wheel Land vehicle


A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,

"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"







Now, ------------that's a businessman!






 

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Premium Member
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18,659 Posts
A group of hells angels were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 

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Two ******** were out hunting, and as they walked through the woods they came to a huge hole in the ground.
They approached it and were amazed at it's size.
The first hunter said "Wow, that's some size. I wonder how deep it is"
The second hunter said "I don't know, but we could throw something down there, and listen for it to hit the bottom."
The first guy said "There's an old automobile transmission over there. Between us we could chuck it down there."
They picked it up and struggled over to the edge, and after counting to three, heaved it into the hole.
They were standing there listening, when they heard a rustling sound behind them. Suddenly a goat came flying out of the underbrush and dived headfirst into the hole.
They stood there in amazement, trying to figure out what was happening.
At that moment, an old farmer came strolling out of the trees. "Hey fellers, you didn't happen to see my goat around here, did you?"
The first hunter said "Funny you should ask, because we were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came flying out of the brush, doing about 100 mph, and dived into this here hole"
The farmer shook his head, "Nah, that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission".
 

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Whistling Dixie!
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8,068 Posts
Two ******** were out hunting, and as they walked through the woods they came to a huge hole in the ground.
They approached it and were amazed at it's size.
The first hunter said "Wow, that's some size. I wonder how deep it is"
The second hunter said "I don't know, but we could throw something down there, and listen for it to hit the bottom."
The first guy said "There's an old automobile transmission over there. Between us we could chuck it down there."
They picked it up and struggled over to the edge, and after counting to three, heaved it into the hole.
They were standing there listening, when they heard a rustling sound behind them. Suddenly a goat came flying out of the underbrush and dived headfirst into the hole.
They stood there in amazement, trying to figure out what was happening.
At that moment, an old farmer came strolling out of the trees. "Hey fellers, you didn't happen to see my goat around here, did you?"
The first hunter said "Funny you should ask, because we were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came flying out of the brush, doing about 100 mph, and dived into this here hole"
The farmer shook his head, "Nah, that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission".
LOL

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G870A using Tapatalk
 

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Bah-Nan-Nah
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1,487 Posts
DISTINCTION BETWEEN GUTS AND BALLs

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words· there is a slight conceptual distinction between Guts and Balls .. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the boys and smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the bottom and having the Balls to say: "You're next, chubby."


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.


Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
 

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A woman walks into a Sex Toy Shop. She looks up on the wall, points and asks the clerk " How much for the red one ?"
The clerk says, "10 dollars". She then asks "How much for the purple one there ?"
"15 dollars" says the clerk.
She then points to the far end of the counter "How much for the plaid one ?"
Puzzled, the clerk pauses and says "75 dollars".
"SOLD !" she says.

Later that evening the clerk is counting out the till and the manager asks " how'd we do today ?"
Well," The clerk says "We sold two red ones, 4 purple and I got 75 bucks
for your Thermos.
 

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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to
the crowd of drinkers.

He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can
drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. "

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back
up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still
good? ", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10
pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't
mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you
were gone? ".

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the
street to see if I could do it first. "
 

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861 Posts
A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking
around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's
counter.

The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher.

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I
put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's
mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the
woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"
 

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Out riding, i swerved to avoid a deer, and ended up in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused, I scrambled out of the ditch and got to the side of the road, and at that moment a convertible with a beautiful woman pulled up. She asked if I was OK, and as I struggled to reply, I couldn't help but notice she was wearing a very low cut blouse which showed off some remarkable cleavage.
She said "You better get in. I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage your cuts and scrapes".
"I don't think my wife would like that" I replied.
"It's OK. I'm a nurse" she said, "I should check you all over to make sure you don't have any more serious injuries"
Well, she was so persuasive, not to mention so gorgeous, I got in and we drove a few miles to her house.
During the ride I kept repeating, "I'm pretty sure my wife won't like this".
At her place, I had a couple of cold beers while she finished bandaging my scrapes and cuts. I finally said "Look, you have been very kind, but I'm much better now, so I really should get back, and I know my wife won't like this"
She smiled and started unbuttoning her blouse, showing the cleavage and lots more. "No rush" she said, "Your wife will never know. Where is she anyway?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike, I imagine".
 

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A man and his girlfriend are driving, and he says "If I drive at 100 mph, will you take off all your clothes?" "Sure" she replies.
He speeds up and she starts stripping.
He gets too interested and loses control, hitting a tree. He is trapped, she is thrown clear, but all her clothes are caught inside.
"Go for help" he tells her, "There was a gas station just back there".
"I can't, I'm naked" she says. "Here" he says "One of my shoes came off. Take it, and cover yourself with it"
She does, and gets to the gas station. When she gets there, still covering herself with the shoe, she says to an attendant "Please, you've got to help me. My boyfriend is trapped".
"Sorry ma'am" the guy says "He's too far in".
 
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